Comedic relief from anger about pit bull ban....

A new test has been developed and is being promoted by P.I.T.A. (People Interested in Terrorist Agendas for Pain in the Ass Dogs).  Our anonymous tipster for this organization gave us the complete test which is outlined below.  According to our source, this is the most accurate method known, and is nearly fool-proof for determining if a dog has any pit-bull blood in them.

Test 1 - Keep the suspected pit bull dogs in another room of your average home.  Wait until they are asleep.  The evaluator, in the formal living room of the home, will take an expensive, small-sized throw pillow from the sofa, and toss it into the middle of the floor.  Within two minutes, a pit bull type dog will appear, and will circle and mash the pillow with its feet. Grunting noises of satisfaction in making the pillow just so may occur the more full-blooded the dog is.  The dog will then lie down on the pillow, trying to make itself as small as possible, so that it fits as much of its body on the pillow as possible.  A snort or whiffle of contentment is a definate sign that it's a bull breed you are dealing with.

Test 2 - Confine the suspected pit bull dogs in another room.  This test will take place in the master bedroom of an average home.  You need a queen or king sized bed, immaculately made up.  Place a small, fresh out of the dryer personal garment, such as a sock or underwear on the edge of a corner of the bed.  Within two minutes a bull breed will show up, jump up on the bed and lay down on the item.

Test 3 - This test takes place in the bathroom of an average home.  The evaluator will enter the bathroom, closing the door firmly but not completely.  As soon as the evaluator sits down on the john, a bull breed will smoosh the door open with their face and come on in.  They will stare at you pointedly as you go about your business.  Some will lurk behind the door, with one eyeball staring at you in a disconcerting way (assuming the evaluator is shy).

Test 4 - The evaluator will sit on a sofa or chair.  The suspected pit bull will be placed across the room.  The evaluator will hold their hand, all fingers facing forward, palm down, and reach toward the dog.  As they reach, they will rotate their hand from about 30 degrees from left to right (like the queens wave, only facing the ground).  A proper bull breed will immediately understand that this is the universal, non-verbal signal for petting, and will proceed to cross the room, and place their big, fat head under your hand.  Grinning by the dog or evaluator is optional.  Leaning on the evaluator or trying to ooze into their lap is a sure sign that it's a bull breed.

Test 5 - The evaluator will allow the dog to lick his or her face.  If the dog tries to lick the inside of your eyeball, ear, or nostril, it's a bull breed.

Test 6 - This test will take place in a spacious area.  The evaluator will wait until the suspected bull breed is lounging comfortably on a sofa or bed, and appears disinterested in the evaluator.  The evaluator will casually sit on the floor, and begin to either do excercise type stretches or attempt to use their "ab-roller".  A true bull breed will ooze off the sofa, and come and stand on your hair, or stick their very cold nose into your eye, or lay down on you, thus negating the exercise you were going to do in favour of petting the dog.

Remember, this test has been developed to allow law enforcement and the justice system to fairly and accurately determine which dogs should be unfairly punished for being the breed they are.  This six step test is an ideal way to address these issues in your community - be sure to ask for it!

Thanks to *Mel Tierney* (author) for the comic relief!

Comments

[B.W.Morgan]

Have to say this is bogus, because not ONE of these tests takes place in the kitchen... surely there is a way to write one in?

Possibly in combination with Test#2 - after allowing the suspected PB to get FULLY settled into the freshly laundered underwear on the bed, the evaluator could do either of two things in the kitchen:

open the refrigerator

open ANY snackfood (twinkie, chips, etc.)

If the evaluator has time to get the refrigerator door COMPLETELY open before the dog arrives in the kitchen, or if the evaluator has time to have even ONE bite of the snackfood before the dog arrives in the kitchen, it is NOT a bully breed. For most accurate results, the bedroom and kitchen should be on opposite ends of the house, at least one TV should be on, and the dog should have just eaten a large meal.