Violence against women....

... It's pervasive.

I was thinking this morning about something remarkable. My girlfriend isn't afraid of me. That simple fact makes me so incredibly happy. I am 6'4", 225 lb, and have worked as a doorman at some of the toughest bars in Canada. I am potentially a very dangerous person. I am also very aware of that. It has caused problems for me in relationships. I have yet to be in a relationship with a woman who has not been abused by a man at some point in her life. Almost inevitably, at some point in a relationship, there gets to be a point where emotions boil over, and you end up screaming at each other. When the woman is afraid of the man, this turns into a very nasty power dynamic. There is that sick feeling in my stomach when I realize that the argument terrified her, that the woman I love is afraid of me. That although I would never harm her, somebody in her past has, and that the memory of that abuse has been brought out. So the next time I get to the point of argument, I shut myself down. I stifle my feelings. Eventually, I stifle my feelings too much and for too long, and realize that the feelings aren't there anymore. Once again I've lost a relationship. That happened to me over and over again. Until I met the current love of my life. She isn't the least bit scared of me. We've had some big blowouts, and the only time she gets upset is when I walk away. It's a nice change.

I realize that my experience is not universal, that the subset of women who have been attracted to me may have been more likely to have been abused (that subset being primarily composed of women who are willing to date a nightclub bouncer), but I still get appalled when I think of the near universality of abuse. I think about it more on December 6th. There is a commonality to the abuse and the actions of Marc Lepine fifteen years ago. There are so many men who need to control the women around them. Whether it's due to their upbringing, or societal conditioning, I don't know. I do know that it is wrong. That it is the direct cause of abuse ranging from emotional abuse to batterings and rapes, straight up to the use of rape as a tool of genocide.

We have to, as a society, come to terms with this problem. As men we have to come to terms with the fact that our actions can frighten the people we love, and especially if we we aren't the root cause of the fear, we have to deal with it. I don't know of any solutions besides the trite and obvious ones. Calling people on sexist bullshit. Stepping in when you see abuse and saying and/or doing something about it. Helping women feel more empowered (you can't empower women, they have to empower themselves, but you can help facilitate that). Shutting the hell up at meetings (work, community and social) and letting the shy people get a word in edgewise, most of the time they're women, but even shy men get shut down, and women see that too... it creates an oppressive culture.

Another case in point. Years ago, I was in the habit of hugging people a lot, friends, strangers whoever... At one anarchist gathering in Vancouver (1991 I think), I got pulled aside and told to cool it. Apparently I had scared a woman because she wasn't prepared for it. I got very defensive because (I thought to myself) I hadn't done anything wrong. Hugging is good, right? Human contact, all that stuff. Well, in a perfect world, yes... but the fact is that I was acting in a dominant way... pushing my wants and expectations of human behaviour onto other people. That woman pointed all this out to me. That although I was acting in what should be an acceptable manner, it wasn't actually acceptable in the space that we were in. That was a difficult lesson for me to learn, but it's one that I've tried to internalize. That even good intentions aren't enough, that as men we have to accept that even if we as individuals aren't completely to blame, we have to take responsibility. We have to not only do no harm, but try and make up for some of the harm already done.

I'm still learning how to not be a sexist bastard. I'll probably still be learning the day I die. I'm a tall white male. I have a lot of privileges handed to me based on those things. I am perfectly aware that I take advantage of those privileges. Sometimes I'm aware of it, and other times I don't even realize that I've taken advantage of a privilege. The reality is that some of those privileges shouldn't be privileges, they should be rights, like the ability to walk down a downtown street at 3:00am without fear. Like the ability to enter a relationship without a trace of fear of the other person...

Comments

[Genia]

Excellent post. I don't usually see men writing on this subject. It's very nice to see.

[April]

Thank you for addressing this subject, and for realizing the manifestations of it in your own life. It's a tough subject for people (men and women) to not only explain, but recognize.

It's nice to see the conscious effort my a man.